Hei there,
It's no surprise to everyone that know me know that I am a nice guy, nice but stupid most of the time. It's no surprise that everyone needs someone in their life. People just can't go on living alone. They need someone, either to talk to, to make fun at or just for being there without a single word spoken of.
I always think people that are the nice guys always end up hurting the most. Why? Because they're the one that give they all for the people they love. But when this love, this trust is broken, it's no surprise they are the one that ended up being hurt the most.
I've tried being someone I'm not. Detached myself from everyone, except from my families, and I just can't. I can't be this person I am not, this person that close his heart to everyone, being the guy that just happy all the time outside, but in truth miserable inside.
I am but a human anyway. I have the right to feel sad. But I also know, how people will treat me when I'm sad. I hate their pity, I hate how they look at me, how they despise me. So I have this persona, to keep the real me all bottle up. I'm not proud of it. But I just don't want people to treat me with pity.
The only reason I'm being sad is because sometimes I felt so alone. There are stuffs I want to talk about, but I can't. Not to my families, not my friends, because they already think I am a pathetic human being. I don't need their comfort or acknowledgement, but I do treasure their opinions and company.
I used to talk to someone, but I think, she's drifting apart from me, and that make me even worse. I hate feeling like this. But at the same time, I also think about others first. Yes, they said we should love ourselves before we learn to love others, but what does that even mean?! I can't share the things I love, if I don't have people to share it with.
My friends always said, they will be others out there for you, she's not the only woman on this planet. But if I truly believe she's not for me, than why can't I forget about her? Why can't I just move on? Have I close my heart to everyone except her? Is she truly the one for me? I don't know..
Maybe, just maybe God did not create anyone for me out there. That I have to live by myself, alone and possibly miserable. But I am an optimistic guy, always have been. I always believe, God have a plan. If I was meant not to met anyone to love, to share my joy and sadness, to protect, to cherish till the end of time, I will be ok. Because maybe, I was not meant to be love, to feel love, but to cherish them, whenever, however short it might feel. To appreciate it, even if it's for a second.
I have helped a lot of people, friends and families with their problem, and yet I am the one yet to get any help. But I am ok. I was raise to think about others' first. "Whatever happened, you need to make sure everyone is ok first". This is what I always think, and hold on to. It's a stupid thing to follow, but it's my stupid thing.
I hope, that whatever God has plan for me, it does not involve the sacrifice of happiness of the people I love and cherish all my life. If God give me more than I need, I would give some to the people I love. Because that is who I am.
Thanks for reading this long rambling of my mind. I appreciate it.
Adios..salam.