sad sad day

Selamat tinggal sahabat, dunia dan akhirat. I wish you all the best in your future. Eventhough we only known each other for 2 years, it has been trully an experience. If this how it comes to be, than I'm glad and no regrets what so ever having the chance to once call you my friend.

This was never God's plan, God could never plan something so sad. This is just human mistakes.

One last time, I send you my doa so that your dunia and akhirat be a very exciting and good one.

Thanks for just being there.

d'Bagindas - C.I.N.T.A

last wish

If you read this, by now you should know that you are no longer part of my life.

I have made this decision because you have continuously makes my life miserable. I have a condition that I can't explain, but when you are there, you are my kryptonite. I have, I need to be happy all the time, this is not a choice, it's a must.

My last wish is that you have a good  life. Good bye.

all of you

Don't you find it odd, that when I wrote about how I feel, people started saying "eeww" or "get a life" or "so not macho" but when I stop and wrote about stuffs that does not even related to me people started saying "this is boring" or "we need more drama" or "what is this shit?".

How I wish I could satisfy all of you.

about love and romantic chemistry

If you have times, read this.

http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=6214&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=1371936

feeling bless

Salam,

Raya dah nak hampir, Ramadan dah nak habis. Hopefully it was a fulfilling one.

Anyway, have a wonderful last week of Ramadan, and enjoy this video. For those that is so blessed to have people around you that love you so much, appreciate them :)

Tuhan tolong tunjukkan aku sesuatu

Salam,

Aku selalu fikir yang dunia ni tak adil. Bukan antara kita dan Tuhan, tapi antara manusia dan manusia. 

Kenapa bile perempuan berbicara soal laranya hati, tentu sekali ramai yang memberi kata-kata semangat, tapi tak pula bile lelaki berbicara soal laranya hati.

Mengapa, bile seorang lelaki berbicara hal ini, tentu sekali dia akan dilihat sebagai seorang yang terlalu emosi, kurang macho. Bukan aku tak setuju, tapi aku kurang setuju. Ye, lelaki harus dilihat tabah, teguh dan sentiasa nampak seperti tiada masalah, siapa nak berkawan dgn orang yang penuh dengan masalah.

Tapi lelaki itu juga makhluk Tuhan, dan layak rasa sedih, gembira dan lemah kadang-kadang. Tapi bersedih biarlah jujur, ikhlas dan atas sebab yang betul. Kalau setakat putus cinta dengan girlfriend, tak perlu lama sangat.

Sama macam kes aku. Kalau aku masih gilekan dia, mungkin aku akan sedih sampai sekarang. Bukan aku tak sedih hilang orang yg aku syg, sape yang kenal aku tau kalau aku suka org tu, aku betul-betul suka. Bukan takde orang lain, ade jer ramai perempuan kat luar sana, satu hari mungkin ada mungkin takde.

 

Mungkin korang dah penat melayan cerita ni, aku tak tau, tapi aku dah penat tulis ceritanya. Mungkin inilah cerita terakhir dia. 

Sape yang takde kisah sedih untuk diceritakan? Semua pernah jatuh dan putus cinta. Tapi cerita yang lebih best, bile kita temui org yang kita abiskan waktu hidup kita yang singkat kat dunia ni, dan kita boleh cerita dengan dia dan gelak sama-sama betapa bodohnye kita dulu dengan orang yang kita ingat jodoh dunia akhirat.

Dan itulah yang aku fikir. Aku serahkan semua kepada Tuhan. Seseorang pernah cakap jangan putus asa, aku bukan putus asa, tapi kalau setiap kali jumpa seseorang yang aku ingat jodoh aku, dan masih jadi macam ni sama ada putus atau tak pernah bermula, aku rasa, aku akur dengan pilihan Tuhan, biarlah aku pasrah kalau aku bukan redha. 

Mungkin satu hari dia akan nampak yang aku ni lah lelaki yang gilekan dia dulu, yang sanggup tunggu dia kat ofis malam-malam sampai dia habis kerja, yang tlg siapkan kerja dia masa dia accident dulu, yang stay kat hospital sampai lewat malam masa adik dia admitted dulu, yang dengar bebelan dan masalah-masalah dia, yang percayakan dia walau berkali-kali dia mungkir janji, yang sentiasa cuba buat dia gembira walau aku sendiri sakit fizikal dan emosi, yang lap air mata dia bile dia menangis kali pertama depan mata, yang tahu penyakit dia, tapi masih tak kisah, yang tahu kenapa dia perangai degil macam sekarang, yang tahu betapa rapuhnye hati dia walau nampak tabah, yang tahu dia tak suka coklat, yang tak boleh berdiri lama-lama sebab nanti kaki dia kebas, yang tahu dia sayangkan famili lebih dari segalanya, yang tahu 3 ex-boyfriend gile dia, yang sedar dia takkan mungkin terbuka hati dia untuk aku. Oh betapa banyak cerita tentangnya yang aku boleh ceritakan..

Akulah lelaki yang tak pernah fikir pasal diri sendiri tapi dia lah segalanya.

Mungkin bile dia dah terbuka hati, aku dah temui yang lain, mungkin aku dah tiada perasaan dan mungkin juga aku perkara tu takkan berlaku. Tapi aku takkan lupa.

Aku harap ni kali terakhir aku bercerita tentang si dia. Kalau Tuhan dengar doa hambanya ini, aku harap Tuhan tolong tunjukkan aku sesuatu, tutup terus perasaan ini, atau bukalah hatinya. 

Selamat malam semua.

a saying

There are this saying.

"miss someone? call them, love someone? show them, like someone? tell them..life too short to let it all pass by"

I still think this is true. Although, it only works in several scenarios.

1st of all, when you like someone, you could tell them, but make sure the one you like is not somebody's wife or husband.

If you love someone, you have to show it to them. But don't go show it to someone that don't love you back, they just don't care.

So, people...if you still going to stick to those phrase, make sure it doesn't involve you getting beaten up, shot or kill.

I leave you with a music video.

optimistic

Hei there,

It's no surprise to everyone that know me know that I am a nice guy, nice but stupid most of the time. It's no surprise that everyone needs someone in their life. People just can't go on living alone. They need someone, either to talk to, to make fun at or just for being there without a single word spoken of.

I always think people that are the nice guys always end up hurting the most. Why? Because they're the one that give they all for the people they love. But when this love, this trust is broken, it's no surprise they are the one that ended up being hurt the most.

I've tried being someone I'm not. Detached myself from everyone, except from my families, and I just can't. I can't be this person I am not, this person that close his heart to everyone, being the guy that just happy all the time outside, but in truth miserable inside.

I am but a human anyway. I have the right to feel sad. But I also know, how people will treat me when I'm sad. I hate their pity, I hate how they look at me, how they despise me. So I have this persona, to keep the real me all bottle up. I'm not proud of it. But I just don't want people to treat me with pity.

The only reason I'm being sad is because sometimes I felt so alone. There are stuffs I want to talk about, but I can't. Not to my families, not my friends, because they already think I am a pathetic human being. I don't need their comfort or acknowledgement, but I do treasure their opinions and company.

I used to talk to someone, but I think, she's drifting apart from me, and that make me even worse. I hate feeling like this. But at the same time, I also think about others first. Yes, they said we should love ourselves before we learn to love others, but what does that even mean?! I can't share the things I love, if I don't have people to share it with.

My friends always said, they will be others out there for you, she's not the only woman on this planet. But if I truly believe she's not for me, than why can't I forget about her? Why can't I just move on? Have I close my heart to everyone except her? Is she truly the one for me? I don't know..

Maybe, just maybe God did not create anyone for me out there. That I have to live by myself, alone and possibly miserable. But I am an optimistic guy, always have been. I always believe, God have a plan. If I was meant not to met anyone to love, to share my joy and sadness, to protect, to cherish till the end of time, I will be ok. Because maybe, I was not meant to be love, to feel love, but to cherish them, whenever, however short it might feel. To appreciate it, even if it's for a second.

I have helped a lot of people, friends and families with their problem, and yet I am the one yet to get any help. But I am ok. I was raise to think about others' first. "Whatever happened, you need to make sure everyone is ok first". This is what I always think, and hold on to. It's a stupid thing to follow, but it's my stupid thing.

I hope, that whatever God has plan for me, it does not involve the sacrifice of happiness of the people I love and cherish all my life. If God give me more than I need, I would give some to the people I love. Because that is who I am.

Thanks for reading this long rambling of my mind. I appreciate it.

Adios..salam.

goodbyes

I was never fond of goodbyes..goodbye for me is as if we are never gonna see each other again.

So I hate goodbyes

a silver lining

Salam,

So, after a week of she-who-shall-not-be-name left, I was distraught, out of focus and sometimes borderline crazy. But it's gonna be ok. I was this person, a very optimistic and positive soul before, so things will turn out for the best. 

I am writing just to clarify on why I did what I did one year back. I've sacrificed a lot for her, and yet nothing to gain. But somehow it does not make me regret the things I've done. 

Yeah, maybe I am stupid and immature, but I believe whatever I did a year back taught me a lot. I can't regret what experience taught me. 

All of us agrees that experience is the best teacher for anyone out there. I was hung up on her, but at the same time, I realize it's not because of just lustful desire or because I think she's the most beautiful human being I've ever known, but maybe there was some higher power playing, liking someone and actually have this powerful feeling is 2 different things.

I'm not that stupid not to be able to walk away. But just as much she was my poison, she was also the cure. Those stupid fights, and indifference seems so petty when I can't talk or see her anymore. Yes other friends has been good, really good. My friends were there when I was down, but there's only so much that they could do. The rest are up to me.

I think people hate what I've become. Kinda like a mindless soulless shell of a human being. Pathetic to their eyes. But do tell me if you haven't been in the same place as I have. If you have ever fallen in love with someone so much, that you could not let go of thinking about that person when you at work, when you at home, when you alone or with friends, be it the person is your husband, your fiance or boyfriend or your kids, you know what it feels like.

Maybe, the reason I still miss her, after all she did, is because of love, or maybe it just some chemicals and hormones playing tricks on my brain. One thing I know, and everybody agrees, is that eventually things change. Time change everything, even hope and feelings.

If after 10 years, 20 years and I still can't forget about her, I will let you know by then (hopefully we are still here).

This is just what I'm feeling right this moment. Who knows what I felt in 1 or 2 months. God I miss here so terribly, but maybe, just maybe there's a silver lining in this. 

Lana Del Rey - Young and Beautiful

One of many great songs played during The Great Gatsby movie. Highly recommended if you love drama, great script and great storyline. That if you have the same taste as me. You may have different review on the movie, for me, true love is never ending, even if you never get to live it.

Afgan - Jodoh Pasti Bertemu

selepas dia pergi, ape yang aku boleh buat? doa dan terus doa yang kalau dia jodohku, satu hari nanti Tuhan pasti temukan jua..kalau dia bukan milikku, Tuhan pasti dah sediakan yang sama atau lebih baik. Amin

My Immortal

Aizat - Kau Pergi

wish you all the best

Salam,

This coming 2 weeks will be the hardest for me. Liza is leaving. She will be miss, especially by me. 

Those that read my blog, know that when I like a girl, I really like her. I would move mountains and cross oceans for anyone I like. I think that was the mistake I could have avoid. 

The story has been told by many people through many versions. But here's the truth, coming from my mouth, the one that could stop all of this, but ended up making it worse. 

I chase Liza all the way until she was so deep in trouble by the highest management. She got a warning letter, and by then, I should have stop. But due to my ego, I couldn't stop. I may have make it worse, or it will become worse either way.

The past has gone, and I shouldn't think about it. But I always thought "what if?" What if I stop chase her the minute I know it gonna a mess. 

She's leaving, not because of better prospect, but because all the bad things happening to her. I am not saying I trust her completely, but I do listen to both side of the stories. Now I'm a left with this hole, and also this smiling face, that everyone know is a lie.

Liza, you're not gonna read this. But you are a gift, for a year you've make my life truly wonderful and hell too. Even if you don't remember me in the future, or when you find someone you could replace, know that I wish you all the best.

Thank you for all the memories, craziness, heart breaks and friendship.

The only "decent" photo I had of us

 :)

until the dust settle down

Salam and how are you guys doing?

Since my last post, there was a lot of thing happening. So let start by saying I am so bless having great families and friends. I don't say this enough, but I truly am.

For your information, this past month, I was in a project for a geological study for a client from Japan. It was a really good experience, but working with the Japanese is really tough. First and foremost, they really are a bunch of hardworking son of b***h I've ever worked with, but also very proud of their work. They don't want to use our interpretation (not saying they are wrong, but there are problems).

Anyway, it was an awesome experience for me, and in the next couple of week, I'll be out for a training with one of the brightest mind in sequence stratigraphy. So future looks pretty ok for now.

There is also some not so great news. Last month, I've got a news that a colleague of mine was about to be call to HR for something she mentioned to me. She said it was because L told HR. I was really devastated, but not 100% sure it was L fault. 

So I met with L and asked L the truth. We've ended up talking for more than 2 hours about all the rumours and lies that I've heard. I've gathered enough to conclude that people talk in my office due to their misinterpretation and perception. There are always 3 sides to a story, the 1st side, the 2nd side and the truth. Most of it was too cruel to mentioned here. I can't understand why people hated L so much? Is it because of my friendship with L that somehow people talked? Or maybe it's how L behave around people? 

I'm ok with L for now, I've told L that we need to make sure that the dust settle down so that everyone can see the truth. Or until this blow over, and people stop talking about it.

Ah..we've got 2 new additions to Uzma, Jalilah and Genevie, I'll write about them later. It will be weird, and funny, depends on how you see it 

Adios amigos..salam

stagnant for now

Salam everyone,

It's weird how we, Malaysians, are getting close to May 5th that we suddenly become an expert in politics, legal matters, our constitution..but this is not one of those post. I let all those so called "professionals" do all the talking.

So, today I've had this conversation with Seri. I've told her how my life has been stagnant and stuck at one place for more than a year now. What do I mean by this? Well, in our life, we've gone through different phases, first the kindergarten, to high school to university. So we've been constantly moving.

However, recently I've notice that I've been doing the same thing for the past 1 year. And I am getting bored of this. 

I tell her that I need something in my life today. Something new, and I think I may need a girlfriend, a steady one..not those one time fling. But I know it's not gonna be easy. I'm shy, I admit that..but that's not a problem I can't fix. My problem is that I am probably the most fussy people I've know out there.

In all my phases in life, I've only ever like one person for that period of time. There was Puteri during High School, Nabila during boarding school, Shida during matriculation, Seri during university, and now, Liza during my work life.

I've like all this gorgeous and amazing woman not by effort, but by fate. When I first saw Liza, she was wearing a red baju kurung, with over the top make up. Looking weird because all of us were wearing jeans. When I first met Seri, she was wearing a low cut jeans, black shirt and red highlight hair (that caught my attention). Don't get me started when I first met Shida...

So you see, when my heart is set for someone, it is not easy to just let go. Yes, I know I should move on from something that is probably never gonna happen, but I can't unless another one come in. I've tried giving my best to try to like someone, but it is just not happening for me. I think I'm weird.

The reason I'm writing this is because I felt like it. People keep telling me to move on, even Liza said she wants me to find another. I've prayed and prayed, for that one person to come in my life. People want me to start looking, but I can't.

I hope that I meet the love of my life, and if I don't have one, then I hope, my life was worth it.

Adios.

long overdue

Salam everyone,

It's been a while. A lot happened in the past few weeks. I am not going to talk about work, because work is a continuous struggle, we live to work so that we could live. Pathetic, but that is the truth.

So, for those wondering how Liza's sister doing, she is actually really good. Last week she woke up and started talking started to open her eyes and remembering people. Started eating, she is still weak but she could walk on her own and comments some ridiculous things on the internet. Oh, she even did a Gwiyomi video last week! So she is perfectly fine

Thanks to all for your wonderful prayers.

I know, some of you will said that I am doing this because I like Liza. It is true that I may gone overboard with Liza and her sister, going to the hospital every night, just to make sure she's okay. But, during those time, I never think about winning Liza over. Instead, the truth, I was really there for her sister. I have 2 twins sisters and I love them all my heart, I just can't live if anything happens to them, so I can relate how Liza and her family might have felt when this happened to them.

I don't care if we don't end up together, because the time I spend with her..no matter how short it was, was precious enough. I don't mind doing it all over again, I don't mind if I can't do it anymore, but in the end, we want the one we love to be happy regardless of what choices they make. You know this to be true, because everyone is a fool when it comes to loving someone.

Oh yeah, 13th April last month was my 1st year anniversary of my friendship with Liza. I know it's weird to remember this kind of things, I don't ever care to remember my sisters birthday (kidding!). I wanted to list down the things I love about her. I know she won't be reading this (thank God!), but here wishing a long lasting friendship. Sahabat dunia akhirat.

1. I love the way she babble about everything..from work to family to little things like the mamak at our work place, I never want her to stop
2. I hate it when she lies when she said she's fine. But I like it when she persevere and work it out herself, just because she don't want to bother anyone.
3. I actually like her dancing..not kidding
4. Sometimes when she goes shit crazy...I'm a little scared, but I like it cause it makes me feel weird
5. I like it when she brings the better person in me

and a lot more, that just can't be mention here.  

Sorry for this cheesy post, it's been long overdue, hehehe. Don't get me wrong, she is already in a relationship, and is happy (I think). I could never try anything. What I wrote here is what I would call "hanya menari, bukan jatuh hati"

"Ya Allah, jika dia jodohku, lembutkanlah hatinya untukku, jika dia bukan untukku, hapuskan perasaan ini dan ketemukanlah aku dengan jodoh sebenarku, sesunguhnya Kau lebih mengetahui"

For now, all I want is for her to be happy..

Ciao!

Estranged - Linger (cover)