July 28, 2013

Tuhan tolong tunjukkan aku sesuatu


Aku selalu fikir yang dunia ni tak adil. Bukan antara kita dan Tuhan, tapi antara manusia dan manusia. 

Kenapa bile perempuan berbicara soal laranya hati, tentu sekali ramai yang memberi kata-kata semangat, tapi tak pula bile lelaki berbicara soal laranya hati.

Mengapa, bile seorang lelaki berbicara hal ini, tentu sekali dia akan dilihat sebagai seorang yang terlalu emosi, kurang macho. Bukan aku tak setuju, tapi aku kurang setuju. Ye, lelaki harus dilihat tabah, teguh dan sentiasa nampak seperti tiada masalah, siapa nak berkawan dgn orang yang penuh dengan masalah.

Tapi lelaki itu juga makhluk Tuhan, dan layak rasa sedih, gembira dan lemah kadang-kadang. Tapi bersedih biarlah jujur, ikhlas dan atas sebab yang betul. Kalau setakat putus cinta dengan girlfriend, tak perlu lama sangat.

Sama macam kes aku. Kalau aku masih gilekan dia, mungkin aku akan sedih sampai sekarang. Bukan aku tak sedih hilang orang yg aku syg, sape yang kenal aku tau kalau aku suka org tu, aku betul-betul suka. Bukan takde orang lain, ade jer ramai perempuan kat luar sana, satu hari mungkin ada mungkin takde.
Mungkin korang dah penat melayan cerita ni, aku tak tau, tapi aku dah penat tulis ceritanya. Mungkin inilah cerita terakhir dia. 

Sape yang takde kisah sedih untuk diceritakan? Semua pernah jatuh dan putus cinta. Tapi cerita yang lebih best, bile kita temui org yang kita abiskan waktu hidup kita yang singkat kat dunia ni, dan kita boleh cerita dengan dia dan gelak sama-sama betapa bodohnye kita dulu dengan orang yang kita ingat jodoh dunia akhirat.

Dan itulah yang aku fikir. Aku serahkan semua kepada Tuhan. Seseorang pernah cakap jangan putus asa, aku bukan putus asa, tapi kalau setiap kali jumpa seseorang yang aku ingat jodoh aku, dan masih jadi macam ni sama ada putus atau tak pernah bermula, aku rasa, aku akur dengan pilihan Tuhan, biarlah aku pasrah kalau aku bukan redha. 

Mungkin satu hari dia akan nampak yang aku ni lah lelaki yang gilekan dia dulu, yang sanggup tunggu dia kat ofis malam-malam sampai dia habis kerja, yang tlg siapkan kerja dia masa dia accident dulu, yang stay kat hospital sampai lewat malam masa adik dia admitted dulu, yang dengar bebelan dan masalah-masalah dia, yang percayakan dia walau berkali-kali dia mungkir janji, yang sentiasa cuba buat dia gembira walau aku sendiri sakit fizikal dan emosi, yang lap air mata dia bile dia menangis kali pertama depan mata, yang tahu penyakit dia, tapi masih tak kisah, yang tahu kenapa dia perangai degil macam sekarang, yang tahu betapa rapuhnye hati dia walau nampak tabah, yang tahu dia tak suka coklat, yang tak boleh berdiri lama-lama sebab nanti kaki dia kebas, yang tahu dia sayangkan famili lebih dari segalanya, yang tahu 3 ex-boyfriend gile dia, yang sedar dia takkan mungkin terbuka hati dia untuk aku. Oh betapa banyak cerita tentangnya yang aku boleh ceritakan..

Akulah lelaki yang tak pernah fikir pasal diri sendiri tapi dia lah segalanya.

Mungkin bile dia dah terbuka hati, aku dah temui yang lain, mungkin aku dah tiada perasaan dan mungkin juga aku perkara tu takkan berlaku. Tapi aku takkan lupa.

Aku harap ni kali terakhir aku bercerita tentang si dia. Kalau Tuhan dengar doa hambanya ini, aku harap Tuhan tolong tunjukkan aku sesuatu, tutup terus perasaan ini, atau bukalah hatinya. 

Selamat malam semua.

July 27, 2013

a saying

There are this saying.

"miss someone? call them, love someone? show them, like someone? tell them..life too short to let it all pass by"

I still think this is true. Although, it only works in several scenarios.

1st of all, when you like someone, you could tell them, but make sure the one you like is not somebody's wife or husband.

If you love someone, you have to show it to them. But don't go show it to someone that don't love you back, they just don't care.

So, people...if you still going to stick to those phrase, make sure it doesn't involve you getting beaten up, shot or kill.

I leave you with a music video.

July 21, 2013


Hei there,

It's no surprise to everyone that know me know that I am a nice guy, nice but stupid most of the time. It's no surprise that everyone needs someone in their life. People just can't go on living alone. They need someone, either to talk to, to make fun at or just for being there without a single word spoken of.

I always think people that are the nice guys always end up hurting the most. Why? Because they're the one that give they all for the people they love. But when this love, this trust is broken, it's no surprise they are the one that ended up being hurt the most.

I've tried being someone I'm not. Detached myself from everyone, except from my families, and I just can't. I can't be this person I am not, this person that close his heart to everyone, being the guy that just happy all the time outside, but in truth miserable inside.

I am but a human anyway. I have the right to feel sad. But I also know, how people will treat me when I'm sad. I hate their pity, I hate how they look at me, how they despise me. So I have this persona, to keep the real me all bottle up. I'm not proud of it. But I just don't want people to treat me with pity.

The only reason I'm being sad is because sometimes I felt so alone. There are stuffs I want to talk about, but I can't. Not to my families, not my friends, because they already think I am a pathetic human being. I don't need their comfort or acknowledgement, but I do treasure their opinions and company.

I used to talk to someone, but I think, she's drifting apart from me, and that make me even worse. I hate feeling like this. But at the same time, I also think about others first. Yes, they said we should love ourselves before we learn to love others, but what does that even mean?! I can't share the things I love, if I don't have people to share it with.

My friends always said, they will be others out there for you, she's not the only woman on this planet. But if I truly believe she's not for me, than why can't I forget about her? Why can't I just move on? Have I close my heart to everyone except her? Is she truly the one for me? I don't know..

Maybe, just maybe God did not create anyone for me out there. That I have to live by myself, alone and possibly miserable. But I am an optimistic guy, always have been. I always believe, God have a plan. If I was meant not to met anyone to love, to share my joy and sadness, to protect, to cherish till the end of time, I will be ok. Because maybe, I was not meant to be love, to feel love, but to cherish them, whenever, however short it might feel. To appreciate it, even if it's for a second.

I have helped a lot of people, friends and families with their problem, and yet I am the one yet to get any help. But I am ok. I was raise to think about others' first. "Whatever happened, you need to make sure everyone is ok first". This is what I always think, and hold on to. It's a stupid thing to follow, but it's my stupid thing.

I hope, that whatever God has plan for me, it does not involve the sacrifice of happiness of the people I love and cherish all my life. If God give me more than I need, I would give some to the people I love. Because that is who I am.

Thanks for reading this long rambling of my mind. I appreciate it.


July 10, 2013


I was never fond of goodbyes..goodbye for me is as if we are never gonna see each other again.

So I hate goodbyes

July 6, 2013

a silver lining


So, after a week of she-who-shall-not-be-name left, I was distraught, out of focus and sometimes borderline crazy. But it's gonna be ok. I was this person, a very optimistic and positive soul before, so things will turn out for the best. 

I am writing just to clarify on why I did what I did one year back. I've sacrificed a lot for her, and yet nothing to gain. But somehow it does not make me regret the things I've done. 

Yeah, maybe I am stupid and immature, but I believe whatever I did a year back taught me a lot. I can't regret what experience taught me. 

All of us agrees that experience is the best teacher for anyone out there. I was hung up on her, but at the same time, I realize it's not because of just lustful desire or because I think she's the most beautiful human being I've ever known, but maybe there was some higher power playing, liking someone and actually have this powerful feeling is 2 different things.

I'm not that stupid not to be able to walk away. But just as much she was my poison, she was also the cure. Those stupid fights, and indifference seems so petty when I can't talk or see her anymore. Yes other friends has been good, really good. My friends were there when I was down, but there's only so much that they could do. The rest are up to me.

I think people hate what I've become. Kinda like a mindless soulless shell of a human being. Pathetic to their eyes. But do tell me if you haven't been in the same place as I have. If you have ever fallen in love with someone so much, that you could not let go of thinking about that person when you at work, when you at home, when you alone or with friends, be it the person is your husband, your fiance or boyfriend or your kids, you know what it feels like.

Maybe, the reason I still miss her, after all she did, is because of love, or maybe it just some chemicals and hormones playing tricks on my brain. One thing I know, and everybody agrees, is that eventually things change. Time change everything, even hope and feelings.

If after 10 years, 20 years and I still can't forget about her, I will let you know by then (hopefully we are still here).

This is just what I'm feeling right this moment. Who knows what I felt in 1 or 2 months. God I miss here so terribly, but maybe, just maybe there's a silver lining in this. 

July 4, 2013

Lana Del Rey - Young and Beautiful

One of many great songs played during The Great Gatsby movie. Highly recommended if you love drama, great script and great storyline. That if you have the same taste as me. You may have different review on the movie, for me, true love is never ending, even if you never get to live it.

July 3, 2013

Afgan - Jodoh Pasti Bertemu

selepas dia pergi, ape yang aku boleh buat? doa dan terus doa yang kalau dia jodohku, satu hari nanti Tuhan pasti temukan jua..kalau dia bukan milikku, Tuhan pasti dah sediakan yang sama atau lebih baik. Amin