a silver lining

Salam,

So, after a week of she-who-shall-not-be-name left, I was distraught, out of focus and sometimes borderline crazy. But it's gonna be ok. I was this person, a very optimistic and positive soul before, so things will turn out for the best. 

I am writing just to clarify on why I did what I did one year back. I've sacrificed a lot for her, and yet nothing to gain. But somehow it does not make me regret the things I've done. 

Yeah, maybe I am stupid and immature, but I believe whatever I did a year back taught me a lot. I can't regret what experience taught me. 

All of us agrees that experience is the best teacher for anyone out there. I was hung up on her, but at the same time, I realize it's not because of just lustful desire or because I think she's the most beautiful human being I've ever known, but maybe there was some higher power playing, liking someone and actually have this powerful feeling is 2 different things.

I'm not that stupid not to be able to walk away. But just as much she was my poison, she was also the cure. Those stupid fights, and indifference seems so petty when I can't talk or see her anymore. Yes other friends has been good, really good. My friends were there when I was down, but there's only so much that they could do. The rest are up to me.

I think people hate what I've become. Kinda like a mindless soulless shell of a human being. Pathetic to their eyes. But do tell me if you haven't been in the same place as I have. If you have ever fallen in love with someone so much, that you could not let go of thinking about that person when you at work, when you at home, when you alone or with friends, be it the person is your husband, your fiance or boyfriend or your kids, you know what it feels like.

Maybe, the reason I still miss her, after all she did, is because of love, or maybe it just some chemicals and hormones playing tricks on my brain. One thing I know, and everybody agrees, is that eventually things change. Time change everything, even hope and feelings.

If after 10 years, 20 years and I still can't forget about her, I will let you know by then (hopefully we are still here).

This is just what I'm feeling right this moment. Who knows what I felt in 1 or 2 months. God I miss here so terribly, but maybe, just maybe there's a silver lining in this.