phobia

you know..i have never know my phobia until recently when it hit me again..

when i was i think 10 years old..i have a friend..he was not my best friend,he was actually a lonely boy..

my other friends use to make fun of him, because of his physical and big size..he doesnt play or sport..but his a good boy..all he need was a friend

so i befriend with him..but only for a short period of time..why?

well..to tell u the truth,it was the result of my own so call friends...

i remember it like it happened yesterday..

it was during one day nearing the annual sports day..i was a prefect then, and i was doing my own work making round in the school..when i saw this boy,sitting alone in the class..when i ask him to leave the class since it was recess, he refuse..saying that the other kids bullied him..

well i dont care at that time..go somewhere else..and then i saw it..

he was picked by a group of boys,whom i know very much,half of them are prefects,my own friends..i was devastated..not because he was picked,but because the kid cried,and was looking at me..

i tell myself to never do that again and thats when i decide to be his friend..

i was his friend for 3 days..and never more..the reason?he left the school..

during the sports day..i was with him..but i had to work with my house(rumah sukan) at that time..so i left him alone..

little did i know that he was picked and bullied again by my own friends..when i found him, he was crying and running out of school..i try to chase him..but i have my own priority to think about..

and that was the last time i saw him..

the next morning, on the first day of monday..my life change..

when i never saw him in class today, i know something must be wrong..and i was right...his father came to the school and inform the teacher that his son has left the school..

and that statement change my life..i ran to the bathroom and cry..yes i cry..i never cry for other boys..girls yes..but not for any other boys..

and i dont know why..i never trully understand what was my feelings than..

and than i realize it..i was crying because i couldnt do anything to stop him from leaving..

this is my phobia..fear of losing a friend..but i cant stop it now..i lose another one,due to my own stupidity..now im leaving in denial..and i have to keep going,because others expect me to do so..

i know i havent been the best of friends for you guys..but i hope all the best for you all..

and i vow myself..that i never ever make any of my friends mad or sad by me..i will never ever leave any of my friends..and because of him..i vow to stay loyal to my friends..forever

but the worse thing is..i never got to know his name..